This is a something I wrote ages ago. I posted it on the Il Divo and Gabriel Byrne Forums so those of you with a good memory might remember it 😀
Hope you enjoy x
Agent Gee was in a hurry but somehow he had found himself going the wrong way against a tide of people who had seemingly appeared out of nowhere. And none of them wanted to give way as he tried to make his way along the pavement. Shouts of “Hey Buddy” and “Watch where you’re going” were all around him “Sorry” he said for what seemed like the thousandth time. Sometimes, just sometimes he thought the miserable inhabitants of this planet were not worth the time and effort he put into protecting them. None of them were looking where they were going, all of them engrossed in their mobile phones, or iPods or whatever else they had headphones plugged into. All of them with that irritating, scratchy “duff duff duff” drumbeat audible to those outside their private discos.
Duff Duff Duff. Agent Gee came to an abrupt halt. That was it. That was how it was being done, through music, the messages were being spread via music. But who was behind it? He moved into a nearby doorway and raised his hand to his face as if in thought. Then he spoke quietly into the Claddagh ring on his finger “Agent Gee, I need a ride”
Two minutes later a black car pulled up right by where he was standing, the door opened and he got inside. “Take me to Headquarters and tell the Boss I need to see him straight away”.
Agent Gee walked into the main office to see four younger agents sitting around a desk arguing. On the desk was a silver object the size of a matchbox and the disagreement seemed to be over it’s purpose “But it doesn’t even have an on switch” said Agent Dee picking up the object and turning it over in his hands.
Agent Yuu rolled his eyes “Dee” he said exasperated “It’s a highly advanced piece of alien technology. Way beyond anything we have on earth. It’s not going to have a bloody on switch!”
Agent Cee reached over and took the box from Dee “There are no signs, symbols or anything. All the sides are sealed. I don’t see how we are going to find out what it does.”
Agent Ess looked over Agent Cee’s shoulder “Why don’t you bang it on the desk?”
The other three agents looked at each other, and since no one had a better idea, Agent Cee raised his hand and was about to bang the object down on the desk when Gee grabbed his wrist “Don’t!!” he cried “Don’t do that!” with his other hand he took it away from Cee and rubbed it on his jacket.
He set it down gently on the desk and squeezed the sides. The top folded in on it’s self to reveal a small red button marked “ON”. Dee grinned “I knew there had to be an on switch somewhere”
“So what does it do” asked Yuu.
“This” said Agent Gee “is a Type 4 Language Translator. It is programmed with over 3 million different languages. Martian, Saturnese, Plutonian, even American English..”
“Spanish?” said Agent Cee hopefully.
Before Agent Gee could answer the Boss’s office door opened and a small pug dog came walking out “You wanted to see me Gee?”
“Yes. I’ve found out how the messages are being spread. Through music. Look” he pulled a computer keyboard toward him and began typing rapidly. The large screens that filled two of the walls started to fill with images of ordinary people seemingly just going about their business whilst listening to music. “Now listen” he said and suddenly the room was filled with a barrage of sound,which after a few minutes settled into a very steady Duff Duff Duff.
“We need to narrow down exactly what kind of music they’re listening too” said the dog.
“On it” said Dee and he set to work at his own computer filtering through the sounds.
“Seems to be a variety of different artists” said Yuu standing behind Dee “Westlife, 5ive, Susan Boyle, One Direction. All signed to one Simon Cowell”
Gee and the dog looked at each other “Simon Cowell?” they said in unison.
“Who is he” asked Agent Cee “I’ve never heard of him”
Agent Dee looked thoughtful “The name sounds familiar. Let me see..” he typed the name into the Database but the search bought back a restricted file “I can’t get into that. It’s above my grade”
Agent Gee leaned over and entered his own password, the file opened and there on the screen was picture of the most hideous creature any of them had ever seen.
“Wow!” exclaimed Cee “He certainly hit every branch of the ugly tree as he fell out of it. What is that?”
“That” said the dog “is S’imon Co-we’ll. A evil genius from a galaxy a long way from here. As far as we knew he was in exile”
“Now it seems he’s here on Earth” Agent Gee sounded concerned “How did he slip under the radar?”
“Well” said Dee “He’s changed his appearance completely, he seems to have high level friends in every government on this planet and several others”
Gee scoured the screen looking for any piece of information that might give some clue as to how Co-we’ll had managed to fool everyone. Then he saw it. “Of course” he said quietly.
Everyone looked at him “Of course what?” asked the dog.
“He took the apostrophes and hyphens out of his name”
The room fell silent.
“Gentlemen” said the dog “We have a situation.”